An Asian woman entered a shop. The English salesman asked, “Ma’am, what are you looking for today?’
The woman in her Asian accent, “Do you sell rape?”
“What! No. Please look elsewhere,” the shocked salesman replied.
The woman went out but returned in a few minutes, agitated. Pointing to a nearby shop, she said, “That man say you sell rape.”
The salesman was puzzled, is this lady trying to set him up? Should he call the police?
The lady brought out a box from her bag, and pointing at some fancy paper, said, “Here, rape.”
“OMG, that’s wrapping paper.”
He: “Hey, sweet thing, I really like you and all, but I gotta tell you right off that I don’t never want no kids, ’cause I don’t plan on plantin’ my seed in no fertile ground so’s I’ll have to work my butt off to feed a bunch of squalling offspring.”
She: “I hear you, honeybunch, and my birth control pill box runneth over ’cause I don’t want no house full of rug rats neither–so if you got twenty bucks, let’s go see Parson Thomas and get hitched!”
Attorney Grimslaw whispered to his millionaire client who was up for Murder One.
“I have three levels of service. One, you get life without parole for $30,000.00. Two, you get 20-30 years for deliberate manslaughter for $75,000.00. And three, I can get you off with time served for $250,000.00. Payable immediately–and fully guaranteed.”
His client nodded and smiled. “Give me an offshore account number and the quarter mil is yours within a day.”
The attorney rattled off a string of numbers, and the client said, “Just get me released by June 2. They’re delivering my new Mercedes that day.”
Billy’s eyes opened. A florescent light flickered into his eyes, stirring up a crazy, dizzying feeling that worsened as the gurney began rolling. They discussed him in the third person, shoving him into an MRI tube. They ordered him not to move for forty-five minutes.
The clanking began and panic set in. He calmed himself, pulled the chain saw cord—pop, pop, pop, followed by a roar. He cut a pile of one-foot logs, set them on the block, splitting them with the ax.
They still hadn’t pulled him out of the tube, so he’d have to stack the wood.
Tonight I was inspired by a certain … figure … on my desk. And, hopefully it’s still Friday somewhere.
The Warning, by Russell Conover
“What’s that, little ducky? A huge storm is coming?”
“And we have to go inside immediately or it’ll swallow us alive?”
“Relax, Marsha. It’s just a duck eating in the park. They quack all the time. Why is this one any different?” Rudy shook his head, laughing.
Suddenly, the gray clouds above turned into a monstrous figure, with huge claws and gleaming white fangs. Marsha and Rudy screamed and ran for cover, but it was too late. The monster gobbled them whole.
“I tried to warn them, but NOOOO,” the duck stated sadly. “Who’d believe a talking duck?”
“You have appendicitis, Mrs. Simmons. You need an appendectomy immediately. I’ll schedule surgery for tomorrow.”
“But I feel fine, Doctor?”
“You saw the test results, Mrs. Simmons. If your appendix bursts, you can die.”
“Oh my! I guess you know best.”
“Nurse Renee, bring Mrs. Simmons the surgery release.”
Mrs. Simmons signs the paper and leaves.
“Does she have appendicitis, Doctor?”
“Of course not, Renee.”
“How will the surgery go then?”
“She’ll die on the operating table, of course.”
“What organs will you harvest?”
“She signed a blanket release, so we’ll all we have orders for – kidneys, heart, lungs, liver.”
Freddie had waited for Tommy Glick after school, and fed him a knuckle sandwich. Now he was gonna miss supper.
Suddenly he saw a black hand waving to him over a fence. He ran, but the hand kept up.
To see who it was, he jumped and pulled himself up. A tall boy with a pitch-black face and painted on features grinned up at him. It looked like a giant doll.
The black hand grasped Freddie’s collar, dragged him over the fence. He saw that it wasn’t a doll as the thing’s mouth opened wide, revealing long, sharp teeth.
Maeve clutched the bulging Target back to her belly. It had taken some negotiating, but she now had a tiny hot plate, a pot, a can opener and enough food for a week.
Nearing her car, she thumbed the key fob and unlatched the trunk.
“Now guard these carefully,” she said, placing the items in the trunk. “I don’t want them bouncing around.”
“Wrk wuk rrk uk,” said the man in the trunk.
“Shut up!” she said. “You’ll eat when I say so.”
Sighing, the man curved himself more tightly around the goods. The corners of his mouth quirked up.
“But I swiped left on you!”
Jenna was appalled. Her Tinder hook-up wasn’t working out. She’d swiped left not right for the guy in front of her – but nevertheless he was standing there, looking hopeful and proffering a glass of fizz.
“Oh… um, right,” he tailed off and nervously gulped down the champagne. “Must be some blip on Tinder.”
Jenna snatched the glass from him and finished its contents.
“Buy me another and we’ll see how it goes.” Champagne on a first date was impressive.
Donny smiled and signalled to the barman. There were advantages to a hacking background.
Seconds after she sent the email, her mobile rang.
Don’t go, he said. I’ll fix everything.
You’ve had a year.
All you had to do was ask?
Your wish is my command. Anything.
Can you create sunlight?
I’ll paint the walls bright yellow.
Just use a little imagination, he chuckled.
All right, I will, here goes.
I am following the sunlight. Crossing street after street I wait until a door calls my name and then. I enter. One luminous room after another. I lie on the warm wood floors while my heart and mind resettle.